Venus Envy, The Male Diva & That Tag - (Fable -Pt.14)

The Entertainment Industry has its own evolution theory. 100% proven, with drama on demand. And camera crews forever filming. There are all sorts of life forms. Lowliest of them being the unpaid interns who go about fetching coffee & cigarettes & answering calls. These are The Under-est of the Underdogs. Survival of the fittest, as a concept, doesn’t even begin to register at this stage. Then there’s the Middle Level Life Forms, which are as diverse, dynamic, large and confusing as the Great Indian Middle Class. They drive the industry. Above these are the High Priestesses and Patron Saints. They rule the industry!
Amongst the Middle Level Life Forms (M.L.L.F.) are various sets and subsets based on ideological differences, attitudinal disparities, intelligence levels and the Coolness Quotient. The professional levels among the M.L.L.F. vary widely, with gaping chasms between salary slabs, job profiles and respectability of the channels/production houses/directors one works for. These range from a lowly Asst. Director to a slightly exalted Associate Director in films, while in TV it’s the slow rise up from an Asst. Producer to Creative Head etc. Street Smartness is a perfectly valid qualification here. So is a Dog-Eat-ALL-Dogs attitude.
It’s a highly un-level playing field in which, also live The Dodgy People. To understand them better, we need to first understand the two types of women.
1. Those who have anything to do with the various saas-bahu, K or non-K soaps across channels.
2. Those who handle everything else apart from those soaps. This includes reality shows, TV documentaries and feature films.
Both these types are easily discernible even though Type 1 Women might try to fool you by dressing like Type 2 Women but the thought processes show up eventually. You have to think differently to do the saas-bahu soaps with even a slight level of competence. You have to think like them!
What’s worse than the Type 1 Women are the men who are as deeply involved in these soaps. Not watching, them. Making them! So, yes, there is a certain part of the male population in the M.L.L.F. which earns its bread and butter by unleashing their immense creative prowess on the unsuspecting audiences through the Eww Inspiring saas-bahu soaps.
We will call them The Male Diva (TMD).
These men form a sub-category of The Dodgy People. And this is how they do it.
Remember Ally McBeal? Amongst other things (Ally included), what was coolest was the unisex bathroom, where all the male lawyers acted out their neuroses.
And we might not have unisex bathrooms yet, but that’s not the point there. Point is, earlier women were told to be like men in order to survive in the big, bad world out there. Now, men are being like women. And the scary part is, no one’s even telling them to! AND they can’t blame it on PMS. Don’t women feel cheated? After all, We’re the women. We have a double standard to live up to. Where’d they come from? And why?
Men were afraid that the women who invaded the workplace would run around the office acting as ditzy and/or manipulative as Ling and Elaine. But while women were suppressing their feminine wiles, guys were secretly taking notes on those wiles. For themselves. Men are now beginning to turn traditional female modes of behavior into macho strategies to get ahead. While women were misguidedly imitating men, men were cattily customizing the competitive tactics that women had honed at home, in kitchens and sewing circles, through the centuries.
So now we see men sharing tender feelings about almost everything with other colleagues. We see men sulking and throwing hysterical fits to get their way. We even see men giving The Silent Treatment to each other! Modern advertising tells them to be the strong, sensitive men women will drool over. So now we have men who take more time off and leave early to be with their wives and kids. Since its chic for men to confess their vulnerabilities, we see men having diva fits and catfights, teary confessions and insane delusions. We have men who now know they need to bond more with each other over stuff more than sports. So we see men openly discussing their love lives. And yes, shopping. Even for shoes!
The bona fide Male Diva was spawned by the Entertainment Industry and he now thrived there. His bread and butter were the saas-bahu soaps, (K or non-K).
He was very deeply entrenched into the finest nuances of Male Diva-dom because he created his inspiration in those soaps. He “experienced” all that angst and emotional overload that we saw on screen. This was his script.
The Male Diva- Enter Smugly.
Those diva fits, mudslinging, vicious gossiping, catty bitching, hysterical confessions, blackmails and grooming obsessions. The Male Diva had done them all. He could very lucidly demonstrate the nuances of shrewish, bitchy, clawing, vengeful, sneaky, vain behavior that is anything but reasonable and impersonal.
Exit Snarling.
Women suffer PMS only once a month. Men have raging hormones every day.

The above theory was developed by That Woman at 5 AM after being rudely woken up by a call from The Male Diva. Requesting an urgent meeting at 8. And reveling in the fact that he had caused discomfort beyond belief by waking her up after a grueling 2-day shoot. All through which he nitpicked his way beyond That Woman’s normal tolerance levels.
The Male Diva (Enter Smugly). Announce to That Woman he was going on a 10-day vacation and she was to handle a couple of things for him. Starting today. Yes, it was her day off. Well, too bad if they weren’t supposed to be working on this project after the concept stage. And no, it wasn’t priority, but the sooner it got over the better. And that one of the things to do was an audition for a reality show anchor.

Three days later, she was asked to direct a special show for Star World. In a week. The Male Diva was promptly forgotten. She got a production guy to arrange the audition on the day he was returning so he could do it himself.
A week later, That Woman leaves edits at 9AM after a 30 hour shift. The Male Diva throws a fit at not finding her on the auditions at 10.
“But I don’t have to be there!” That Woman was horrified.
“Hell! You selected all these people. I don’t know them, their names, agencies etc.”
“But won’t they tell you all that???”
“I will not hold the audition till you are here.”
That Woman gave up on the 5 precious hours of sleep. Showed up at the auditions.
About auditions? Bad idea! And I’m glad there’s no PETA equivalent for actors.
Factoid: Directors hate most actors. You can never find That Exact Person you’re looking for. By the 10th one you get a little curt and snappy. By the 15th, you start getting pissed off. And then, you’re bitchier. And then…Wow! You’re actually enjoying it! This is fun! Clean, wholesome sadistic fun! You soon forget your anger, frustration and dislike of The Male Diva as you snub and snap your way through the long line of actors. It’s like a punching bag. Therapeutic and cathartic. (And it happens all the time.) Remember MTV Roadies or Indian Idol?
She wrapped up the audition in 3 hours, and headed straight to edit her own show. And this is when the imp of perversity made her wonder what was with The Male Diva and their ilk. These men disliked women for most things, wouldn’t give them credit for the rest and were so baffled by what was left that they tried to incorporate that in their behavior. Even balking at being called “fat”!
Let’s call it Venus Envy. A supposed male envy of all things non-superficially female. Or, the repressed desire of men, to possess female psyches. The Sly Squatters. When women were not looking they sneakily misappropriated everything that largely constituted what they thought was the regular female behavior. Something which simply fluctuated between Highly Irrational to Crazily Temperamental. Making them look like a PMS’ing woman on E, being denied chocolates.
Look at all the public squabbles men are having these days. Sonia Gandhi was/is everyone’s favorite punching bag. Has anyone ever seen her lose her calm? But what does L.K. Advani do after he shoots his mouth off in Pakistan? He throws a diva fit. Threatens to resign and sulks for days. (And out diva-ed Sushma Swaraj!) Kapil Dev bawled his way out of the match-fixing controversy. The Ambani brothers’ very public squabble would put the worst fisherwoman to shame. And to complete the cliché, even went crying to Mommy for help. That Great Male Bastion, our cricket team is having a field day of “he said, he said”. Salman Khan was the bully. Vivek Oberoi whined to the media while The Woman in the story maintained a dignified silence. Saif Ali Khan dished out dirty details about his divorce while the wife kept mum.
That Woman had post-production drudgery all that weekend. But just for a lark did a quick tally with a few friends, to confirm the existence of Venus Envy as a commonly present psychological condition. All of the 30 odd people she’d spoken to (men included), had at some point or the other, seen men behave like bitchy little drama queens. It was a scary thought.
Her day off on Monday was coolly shot in the head by The Male Diva who “Knew you had no edits” so had scheduled a budget status meeting with the Channel. Caveat: The Channel office was in ‘town’, hence would take her about a 2 hour commute. At 9 AM. Having barely slept for 3 hours.
She bitched about it to E-Male -a guy she’d been corresponding with over email and SMS (it’s not as pathetic as it sounds), who lived in ‘town’ as well. He wrote back saying he could gladly be the knight on a white steed, if she was thinking of running away.
But she was thinking of how to kill The Male Diva and make it look like hara-kiri.
The discussions took up almost the entire day, and obviously the show was over-budget (F@#$&*s!) minus commute time. She trudged through the deep quicksand of fatigue and sleep deprivation aided by industrial amounts of caffeine and a wicked SMS banter with E-Male. What a high delicious wit and quick repartee was!

***
Much needed respite after five weeks! Hence lots of time to finish long-pending tasks at hand. Topping the list is The Tag, courtesy, Ditty, Lemontree and EoR.
Does The Perfect Lover really exist? Or is it just another Urban Legend? Propagated to drive the economy as all of us take up gym memberships & buy expensive clothes? What if, like most other things, it’s just a farce? After all, no one has really seen, spoken to, been with The Perfect Lover? And if anyone were to tell me he exists, I’d ask for proof. If Osama Bin Laden gives us periodic “sightings” of himself on a TV channel, why not The Perfect Lover?
So, I’m convinced that The Perfect Lover is not real. But he is, what we wish were real. And there are a lot of other things I’d wish to be real. Things no independent, intelligent, self-respecting woman should go without.
1. Smart Phone – Sleek, cool and highly functional! Remembers everything you punch into it, doles out info on demand, can be programmed to be “Silent, discreet, loud” or easily switched off when annoying. Its all about communication and “Connecting People”. Very important attribute The Perfect Lover should have.
2. iPod - Music too makes the world go round. Yours could totally rock if you tote your music around on a cool iPod, customized and sorted to the last degree of whatever your mood du jour is. Helps relieve stress, boredom and too much silence. Enhances creativity and a general sense of well-being.
The Perfect Lover should be as user-friendly and in-sync with your moods. So, if you press the right buttons, he sings the right tunes. And if music be the food of love, play on.
3. Sexy shoes –It’s sometimes very hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones to make the walk a little more fun. And if you like to walk the talk, you obviously have discerning feet. The feel good factor of sexy shoes is infinite. No matter how much weight you gain or lose, the shoes will always fit. They are discreet but unforgettable, ultimate accessories for women who’ve already taken possession of their future.
If heels were humans, they’d be perfect! And we’d know that no matter what, they’d always make us look good and walk tall.
4. Super Cool Bag – With lots of pockets and compartments for each and every little thing you might need at any time. Keys, organizer, wallet, make-up you name it and it’ll hold it. Looks obviously matter as well, so nothing but an uber-stylish one to keep you company all day long, while holding together all the vital pieces of your life’s requirements. Including objects 1 and 2, while coolly complementing No. 3.
To be able to understand and support a girl with all the little things she tells him about herself and which really matter. Even the name of her first pet! Tall order for a guy?
5. Feel-good People – Break-ups, bitchy encounters, new relationships, promotions, gaining weight, losing it, gym crush, career switch, emotional upheavals, PMS, lazy weekends make no sense without your girlfriends. Family, and favorite members of the extended family. Apart from these, there are people like your favorite hairstylist who can make you look like a million bucks on any given day when you’re miserable about something or the other. Or the guy at your neighborhood Barista who knows exactly how you like your cappuccino and gives you preference over others!
Now, if a man matches up to the feel-good factor of these people and then some, he’s an absolute catch! And when I say “Feel-good”, I mean, knock my socks off with your positivity. Seeing you at the end of a day should give me a jolt somewhat like the MSN “nudge”. Yeah baby! You have to be able to rock my world!
6. Retail Therapy and Comfort Food – This is the shallower, more materialistic side of No. 5. And I have no words to describe No. 6. Let’s suffice with… The Abso-fuckin’-lutely Bestest Stress Buster Ever! Imagine finding The Perfect Jeans, The Perfect Gold Stilettos, The Perfect Blue Aviators and even The Perfect Bag on the same day. Imagine wearing all these in One Perfect Ensemble on a Monday morning. And that be the day when God was your personal lighting director, wherever you went, bestowing that soft, dewy pink-gold “glamour lighting” on you. While you walked at your usual pace, others (including an Ex or three!) saw you in slow motion and heard This Song. And God! You look great! And you look forward to lunch, which is a chilled Toblerone shake and a wicked brownie, with magic powers. They’re zero calories, but taste just as good! No guilt ever.
Can a man ever even begin to make you feel as good as this…???
I didn’t think so.
7. Career etc. – You’ve had your rites of passage and this is where you are now. You are what you are because of your career, good or bad. But if you’re passionate about what you do, you seem to be going right. But you’d be rocking if you showed as much passion for The Etc. This could be anything from hiking, photography, snake boat rowing, supporting a cause wholeheartedly and knowing how to appreciate what you have.
This is most important for The Perfect Lover. And this is what will hold him in good stead when he no longer has that perfect face. Sometimes I might just want to have a real conversation with you. And all those days that you spend away from me would make you seem more alluring if you spend them on Career etc. This also raises the bar on being Sexy. If you had intelligence as well, you are sooo Perfectly Sexy. Women would kill for you. And I’d wanna slay your demons for you.
So, all you sexy but dumb men? …Get intelligence.
And all you non-sexy but smart men? …Get plastic surgery!
8. Pet Peeves –What’s a well-rounded, well-sketched and obviously well-lit protagonist without a few shades of gray? Pet Peeves are the best thing ever! And while most people may disagree about this and question their existence, I still believe they offer clarity and make you a more discerning connoisseur of the awesome, which, like the sublime, transcends human reason. If you had paid closer attention and developed your own Pet Peeves you would understand that.
Spiders, cockroaches, unwashed coffee mugs, jeans with sequins on them, The Male Diva, The Monster from the Channel, Any Monster from Any Channel, whiny pile-on colleague, weird roommate, wet towels, maid’s tantrums, Emraan Hashmi and Himesh R, Commies, paneer pizza…
But this is what adds all those quirks to us. So, to be Perfect, don’t be so. Leave enough space for a few odd quirks. No one is Goody Two-Shoes. There would be something that would piss you off no end, or annoy you or upset you. Show those quirks before I write you off as being too plastic. And fake!

So, to follow the rules, i now tag Vikram, Karan, Shyam, Shilpa, Reshu, Pranav, Annie and Smriti. To write 8 points about The Perfect Lover as they perceive him or her. And tag 8 more people at the end of it. It's most fun!

(And there's more to come about Venus Envy and The Male Diva. This was just the backstory. Sadly...)