Metrosexual Rabbits and Rude Shocks (Fable - Pt 6)

THAT WOMAN’s Morning Moods:

1. On waking up – Badass Bitch! Rampuri Chick! I know what I mean…and I’m not bullshitting! Sometimes propensity to random general violence (physical) when pushed or justifiably provoked. Now Playing - Kid Rock.

2. After breakfast and first caffeine kick – Sharp like Rampuri or a papercut. Propensity to random general violence (physical) considerably lessened. Can I talk to you in an hour? I’m reading the paper. Now Playing – Mark Knopfler…

3. Post-shower – A charming dilettante beginning her day being playfully tongue-in-cheek and deliciously witty. Propensity to random general violence (mental) rears its head. Now Playing – Gwen Stefani, Destiny’s Child, Black Eyed Peas.

And this is the time to delve deeper.
The paper is tossed aside with disdain. “What’s WITH everyone? Why the surprise about Shah Rukh Khan in a bathtub with rose petals? …Wasn’t that item number in Kaal, preparation for this?”
The Pet Peeve for the day is The Metrosexual Man.
And we all know there’s no Metro-fuckin’-sexual Man. As far as I remember, the first time I read about it was during LIFW 2003 in a tabloid. The Big Corporate Giants one day noticed that they’ve endlessly OD’ed on women – all shapes, sizes, color, length of hair… They had the men too - the Raymond Man, the Bad Biker Boy, the Gay man… But the men were not behaving in sync like the women did. They had their random whims, fancies and Pavlovian responses. What next? Telling them that they have to be Metro-fuckin’-sexual to reach Social Acceptance Nirvana. From being able to Get Some to Gettin’ LOTS!
And men have not behaved themselves since then.
They have lovely long hair that I want! They get the latest bling faster than me! I don’t get a waxing appointment because this MAN is using up what’s rightfully mine! My Lush shower gel is being used, rather liberally, by my boyfriend! He now smells of figs and ylang-ylang! They wear tighter, pinker-hued shirts. They take Botox shots. They try…everything.
They’re The Rat, The Squirrel and The Rabbit!
What indeed, is a Squirrel? A Squirrel is a Rat in cuter clothing! And Rabbits? They’re the Metrosexual Men. The Squirrel - that’s actually a Rat in cuter clothing - has added more trimmings, bling and several spa sessions to look like a pretty Rabbit! (And now they wanna do what the Rabbits do!) And they come out of the salon leaping and bounding joyfully on the city streets.
Pick one up. Let him finish his pitch. Scratch the surface and out comes the little Rat! Drop him.

Meeting P (gay friend) and P’s flavor of the month, J for lunch! We talk about the Metrosexual Man. “Somehow the image in my head whenever someone says that is Salman Khan wearing a sarong and an orange daisy tucked behind his ear!” I lamented.
J laughed. “The image I get is Salman in a canary yellow tight tee. White linen pants and a thong under that! Which is visible!”
“Oh dear!” P was in splits already.
We poured wine.

4. Post-lunch (with friends) – Wittier, happier, might flirt a bit. Still the charming dilettante but claws unsheathed! Propensity to random general violence (mental) still there. Now Playing – The White Stripes, Maroon 5.

Meeting more people. Decided to turn them into guinea pigs for my Big Metrosexual Man Survey! Some random “gems” that turned up!
Corporate Lawyer: “We’re all Metrosexual! What’s wrong with being Metrosexual? Men love getting pampered as much as women do.”
Marketing VP: “I go for a pedicure and a facial twice a month. I love it! I love trying out new hair products too. What’s wrong with it?”
Investment Banker: “I’m not Metrosexual. I don’t go to a fancy salon for a haircut even. None of those trappings… except, I do use conditioner. And go to the gym regularly.”
TV Producer (MTV): “What rubbish! From which angle do I look Metrosexual to you? Just ‘cos I’ve long hair? Which was just ‘cos I got bored of having it short all my life!”
Entrepreneur from IIT Delhi: “They remain Metrosexual… until they come out of the closet and tell us they’re gay! It is marketing and how much of a sucker are you.”
Ad-film maker: “You’re tripping already? …I love being Metrosexual. My girlfriend likes me like that!”
DJ: “Of course I’m Metrosexual! Cant you see?”
Gay friend: “Please don’t make me puke! I’m just a modern Indian guy. These Metrosexual wankers should be killed!”

You get an idea! I HAD to take my words back. The Metrosexual Man existed.
Even though proved wrong, I still think there are only two kinds of Men. The Straight Gay Man and The Gay Straight Man.
The Gay Straight Man is a new version of heterosexual male nurtured in the metros as a result of overexposure to fashion, exotic cuisine, theatre and arts. They are ever so slightly effeminate. They can discuss just about anything with you. Are good fun at parties. Usually work in media. But they’re straight men. With ‘that’ appendage.
The Straight Gay Man is your regular homosexual man. What you see is what you get. He’s expressive, enlightened, witty, funny, sensitive and totally out of the closet. He can kiss another man in front of you. Wear mad clothes. Will not be apologetic. And is the only man you can ever really have intense conversations with.
How does the Metrosexual Man figure in respect to these two? Well, the Metrosexual man will never have Peach Schnapps or White Zinfandel as these are “fag drinks”. He’ll do bhangra moves to 50 Cent, Ricky Martin and Sean Paul ‘cos he can’t move his butt as well. Will desperately try to prove a point till you get uber-specific and discuss things like Brian Moloko’s look in the new Timo Mass video? Lace or Latex? Thinner lips or fuller lips (in men)? Foot fetish and stilettos?
And this is where you’ll catch their bluff. They have extremely fragile egos though. Handle with care is not a part of my procedure. I still agree with Gay Friend!
And yes, the women. Most women I asked didn’t really like the Metrosexual Man as a concept.
“A carefully concocted urban legend...mind you, just a legend, like the ones of the old Loch Ness and Yeti! A horrible legend!” said R, best friend & filmmaker.
“Two of them are sitting within 10 feet of me!” said S, architect.
“I wouldn’t want to sleep with a man who gets his eyebrows done!” said B, Model.
“Noooo… I think they’re sweet,” FLIGHTY CHICK said.
“You’re right. Scratch the surface and they’re all rats!” P’s pearl of wisdom.

5. Post-Dinner, nearer to Bedtime – Extreme changes. Playfully tongue-in-cheek moments become horribly foot-in-mouth disasters. Propensity to random general violence (mental) at an all time high. Now Playing – Psychedelic Trance, Pearl Jam or Placebo.

Trying to make last ditch effort to save face. Call up VALUE ADDED MAN as last resort. “Are you Metrosexual?” I ask helplessly.
He laughs. “What sort of question is that?” I see a ray of hope. “Of course I am! I have a manicure appointment tomorrow at Franck Provost!” I cringed. “Wanna join me?” he asked.
“Good night,” I hung up.
This too shall pass!