Men Don't Have Dirty Minds...Always! (Fable - Pt. 5)

“Oh…he’s a great kisser, by the way!” Said A, friend from Delhi about a friend who’d just shifted to Bombay.
“Well…okay,” I didn’t quite know how to react to that last piece of info. But I was intrigued nonetheless. For 2 reasons. First, A had kissed him. Hmmm… Second, men who kiss well are always intriguing!
I called up K (Great Kisser) and asked him to join me for a friend’s Saturday brunch.

Saturday was one of those lazy days with loads of people to talk to and to talk about. I met 2 close girlfriends and I mentioned K. Beginning with trivia and ending with the piece de resistance, “He’s supposed to be a great kisser too!” I saw their expressions change. They grinned.
I knew what they thought. And I knew that it was perfectly normal and kosher for women to let their imaginations fly. The way men always did!
K arrived. He was a special correspondent with one of the leading business news channels. Tall, dark, lanky, spiky hair, wearing faded distressed jeans with an orange T-shirt. “Hi! Great place…though hard to find.” He smiled. He looked quite cute. Better than what he did on TV.
“Not really, you’ve to get used to being in Bombay,” I smiled back. Great kisser…it just went on in my head like a loop. I imagined him kissing. Someone. I don’t know who. But the thought wouldn’t leave my mind. I introduced him to my friends and the look in their eyes told me they had similar thoughts too.
Suddenly I saw FLIGHTY CHICK dressed in a Shilpa Shetty (Dhadkan style salwar-kameez), walking in with a little boy. “Hiiii!!” She trilled as she hugged me. “I’ve been trying to call you!”
“Why?” I asked curiously.
“Oh, I went through a bad patch 2 weeks back… By the way, this is my nephew, Nick,” she introduced me to the 6 yr old brat with her. I acknowledged by taking a step back. Kids frighten me.
“I wanna be Spiderman!” Nick announced rather gleefully to me.
“And what does Spiderman do?” That was V.A. MAN holding a little girl in his arms as he walked up to us.
Nick looked rather thrilled to see him.
“He saves the world!” He answered and V.A. MAN patted his head.
“That’s Pia, Nick’s kid sister,” FLIGHTY CHICK introduced me to the other kid. I had no idea why she had to bring her sister’s children there today. And why V.A. MAN had to do his best impersonation of The Raymond’s Man. He looked very obviously uncomfortable holding the 3 yr old girl in one arm and holding a beer bottle in the other hand. “He’s such a sweetheart, isn’t he? Helping me handle these two…” FLIGHTY CHICK cooed leaning close to him. I wondered what was going on. I suddenly imagined her as The Whirlpool Mum, gleefully making ice in 10 minutes and washing truckloads of laundry in 20. Whirling around merrily while the kids and V.A. MAN sung some strange line to the effect of Mummy ka magic chalega kya? And ending it with Whirlpool, whirlpool…
“Are you all right?” That was K. “You look…stricken!”
“I am!” I led him to the bar to get us both a drink. Briefed him on FLIGHTY CHICK and V.A. MAN. I drained my Kiwi Margarita in 5 minutes. Took another one and told him why I looked stricken. He laughed out loud. I still couldn’t believe the thoughts running in my head. “Is that what The Raymond’s Man did? Marry The Whirlpool Woman, who dazzled him by her washing and ice-making skills?”
“Hmmm… Maybe!” K said. “’Cos those are about the only things you don’t see him do. He’s forever playing with kids and puppies and striding purposefully in office corridors. He might be having an affair with his secretary. And he never works. Which makes me suspect if he sleeps his way up the corporate ladder!”
My eyes strayed to his lips as he spoke… You will NOT think about it. And I had to force away the naughty thoughts by imagining V.A. MAN sleeping with his C.E.O.
FLIGHTY CHICK sat across me on the futons on the verandah, overlooking the sea. K was talking to my friends and V.A. MAN talked to me.
“Where’s THAT MAN?” He asked.
“Dunno!” I shrugged. “Not met him for quite some time.”
“So, what’s with K?”
“Nothing. He’s just moved to Bombay. I’ve been told to be nice to him,” I replied honestly.
“He looks better in his jacket and tie look on TV,” he commented.
“No, I think he looks better like this. Makes you want to lean across and ruffle his hair. And… he’s supposed to kiss beautifully,” I relished saying that to V.A. MAN.
“So?” He flinched.
“So nothing! It’s a nice thought!”
“Why would you want to kiss him? …He looks like a little boy out of college!”
“He’s 30 and looking like that is an advantage for men, you know that?” I smiled. I loved saying these things to him ‘cos I can pre-empt the conversational gems he would come up with.
“Yeah, right! He brings out your maternal instincts. You want to protect him from all the evils of this world and tell him bedtime stories about fairy godmothers!” He was in splits. I marveled at that conversational gem!
“Not quite!” I kept a straight face. “He looks like a college boy one would love to corrupt and teach lots of naughty things!”
He stared. And I wondered why men couldn’t take honesty from a woman. Why did the fear of You’re-Stepping-Into-My-Turf rear its head every now and again? When would they realize that women were allowed to Pick ‘n’ Carry just as they were? And that we had an extremely stringent quality control too?
FLIGHTY CHICK leaned forward. “I want to talk to you… I had unprotected sex 2 weeks back. And I was sooo upset and scared!”
I looked at V.A. MAN instinctively who looked back with his eyes saying, ‘It wasn’t me!’ And also looked very uncomfortable to be an unsuspecting part of this conversation.
“But why? Were you drunk?” I was genuinely shocked.
“No… It was unexpected and he wasn’t carrying rubbers.”
“Why weren’t you carrying them then?” I asked and she frowned.
“Men don’t like women who carry condoms!” she announced, looking at me like I was daft. “It’s such a…STATEMENT!”
“Oh, is it?” I asked. “How?”
“They’d think you sleep around!”
“No. They might just thank you for it and not leave you pregnant or with infections!”
“Yes,” V.A. MAN agreed. “I would be really grateful if the woman I’m about to…” he struggled to find the politically correct words.
“Get lucky with,” I prompted.
He laughed. “Whatever! …She is carrying rubbers when I’m not!” He sipped his beer and his eyes glazed over in that typical way when men have their little moments of fantasy while pretending otherwise.
“The point is…” FLIGHTY CHICK continued undaunted. “I was so scared I’d get pregnant! And so relieved when I found out I wasn’t. …But what shocks me now is, I feel I’m ready to have children, get married, settle down…”
“In THAT order?” I was surprised at the sheer nerve of that statement. Purely because it was made by her.
She giggled. “No, no… Get married, have kids… But I feel I’m ready now. I can’t bear to hear my biological clock ticking away! Can you?”
“Sweetie, I hit the snooze button till I turn 30!” I was frank.
“But why?” V.A. MAN asked.
“Well…would ‘I’m not ready for it yet’ qualify as a valid answer?” I asked him.
“What does Spiderman do?” Nick came running into the verandah and crashed into V.A. MAN, who looked suitably miffed but quickly rearranged his expressions.
“He saves the world,” FLIGHTY CHICK answered giggling.
“So do condoms!” I smirked as I turned away from that Raymond Man – Whirlpool Mum – Annoyingly Chirpy Child scene.
K whispered, “Are these two seeing each other?”
“No. But they should,” I told him. “They’re made for each other!” I looked at them flirting. The Whirlpool Mum trying to snag The Raymond Man. Completing the picture with 2 kids (not her own) and salwar-kameez to present a picture of potential doting mother. I suddenly figured out her agenda. And it was just hilarious!
“I can see that,” he grinned. “I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on that condom conversation! It was so funny!”
“You’re a bitch!” I nudged him hard and we giggled.
“We’ll get along,” he winked. Cease! Desist! Do not venture there. Do not look at those lips! How does it even matter if he’s a good kisser or not?
My two friends threw a cushion at me and grinned knowingly when they saw K and I huddled so close. “Shall we go?” I asked them.
“Yeah…let’s!” R said, looking bored.
I looked at K. Trying to focus. “Come with us. I’ve asked some other friends over. For intelligent conversation and smoking up.”
“Gladly!” He smiled. And I wondered if he kissed with his eyes open or closed… I hated A for giving me that piece of information. It was (rationally thinking) highly irrelevant. But now that I knew it, it wouldn’t leave my mind. It fed upon itself and became bigger than every other detail I remembered about K. It irritated me and I wondered if men got irritated too when they’d have their regular reveries every 10 minutes?
“I’ll be right back,” I said as I walked over to the washroom.
On my way out, I saw the 2 brats Nick and Pia alone in one room. Nick was still doing his Spiderman routine. I walked up to him. “Hey Nick, you know how Spiderman saves the world, don’t you?”
“How?”
“He carries this,” I handed them each a condom sachet. “It’s called condom.”
“Kawn-dum?” He repeated and so did Pia after him.
“Right!” I patted their heads. “And every time you say Condom, you do this,” I taught them to show the middle finger.
“Kawndom!” The two kids trilled in chorus, holding up their middle fingers.
“And if anyone tries to take that away from you, you tell them it protects you. And you fight to keep it. Ok?” I stared at them. If carrying condoms was a statement, so be it!
“Okay!” They looked awestruck. “Thank you!” Awestruck afterthought.
“Go save the world!”