Cuteness, Intelligence and Shifting Perspectives (Fable Pt. 8)

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," When Charles Dickens wrote that, he must be having an affair with his married ex-boyfriend.
That Woman was having dinner at a swanky restaurant with friends when a waiter brought a note to her. "Is that really you? Never would have imagined finding you here. Coffee, later? VS." Her heart jumped as she saw the man who'd sent it. He smiled at her from across the room. She was sure everyone could hear her heart beating. She smiled back and sent an affirmation for "Coffee, later?"
That Woman had gone out with VS 9 years ago. The relationship had lasted 18 magical, blissful, fun months. She was younger, more audacious, spunkier, just out of college. He was about 10 years older, wiser, swiftly moving up the career ladder, sensitive and kinder. Problem arose when in a fierce burst of independence, That Woman accused VS of treating her too indulgently. Not taking her seriously enough. This was a result of having long soul searching conversations which shimmered with her optimism. He fielded it with his cynicism. The kind that comes when you've been working for too many years and have been around and seen it all. He never laughed at her dreams and thoughts. Just smiled indulgently and fondly. They broke up one summer afternoon when she got admission into a snobby film school, moved out of his chic little barsaati and into the hole-in-the-wall she could barely afford. He went to London. The break-up was amicable. No blood, no concussions. Look ma, no scars!
She got caught up in the professional life in the media world. He rose up the corporate ladder somewhere. And they never met. Till today. And now, with all the years behind her, she realized that on the Relationship Rating Scale, this had been one of the best.
He smiled as he watched her approach him at the coffee shop. Her heart was in her mouth. He'd aged very well. Looked drop dead handsome and she was just dying to hear that baritone voice! "This is amazing!" she grinned.
"Indeed. I never would have imagined I'd run into you like this. In Bombay!" He hugged her warmly. "You look great!"
"So do you!" She smiled. "I live here now. In Bombay," she loved the way is eyes widened with admiration. And maybe, a hint of pride! He was the first boyfriend who'd told her ambition was a good thing!
"Married?" He asked, rather suddenly.
"No. ...You?"
"Yes," he looked hesitant but she didn’t want to probe further. They sat and talked about all that had happened in the past 9 years. It was a lot of catching up.
Its strange meeting an ex unexpectedly. Your whole life post break-up flows past you in a brilliant montage. You clearly see where you were at, where you're now and all that you've been through in between. And, if the relationship was a good one, you also remember ALL the good moments you've shared.
That Woman and VS spent over 3 hours talking. And both were equally surprised that there was so much to talk about. A dinner date was fixed for the following evening too to tackle the spill-over of tonight's conversation. The good night hug lasted a tad too long. We make resolves. Loads of them. Everyday. And then we break them too...just like that! Just as easily. When it comes to resolves, we all live in glass houses and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you never really know!
And a startling thought woke her up the next morning.
"Would you date an ex?" she asked V the next day.
"Absolutely. Each one of them. Even those who broke my heart!" he answered. He echoed her heart’s voice.
Same question was put to Shyam who was the voice of reason. (…Ok, sometimes!)
“Ummm… No.”
“Even if the relationship was one of your best?” she asked tenaciously.
“In that case it should have worked,” wise caustic comment, typical of Shyam. “There’s a reason why they’re ex.” Ok, ok, got it!
“The scars will run deeper this time onwards,” said R, who is voice of reason 10 times Shyam.
Dinner with VS at hip new restaurant. Conversation still didn’t run out. Cocktails at quiet lounge. Conversations grew deeper and more meaningful. And he didn’t go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like, “I’ve missed you so much!”
“Me too,” she said with the greatest honesty. And she had indeed. She had been through a lot to be where she was and she missed having a soul mate.
He held her close. She asked him over to her place.
And it happened. They kissed.
It felt like a scene from Koyaanisqatsi. She knew what exactly was happening. Her stomach seemed poised to eject from her body at any moment. She was clinging to broken shards of reality.
They kissed again. It felt beautiful.
Then, after a few terrifying minutes like this, it all smoothed out. Her stomach settled. The eyes refocused. She decided that she was not in fact drowning ... and that the basic laws of physics still pertained. She gathered herself, and stood up straight.
As if on autopilot, they kissed again. And she led him inside.
Yes. An extremely bad move according to the voices of reason. But it was victory for the heart at that moment in time.

***

Each day that passed brought an interesting episode that made her think.

DAY 1

She could see the park from her window at work. The trees there were waving wooden fingers at her, and birds were somehow flying without flapping their wings. It felt like there was a magical accordion in her skull and it was pumping a thick, steady breeze of colors through her brain.

She starts contemplating about her time with VS. And this whole thing about The Running Into An Ex.

Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were, to become who you will be. Maybe we just obsess over relationships that feel un-finished. Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. And the ones you love or have loved are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a phone call away.

How amazing it was—the way it jolts you from patterns and ruts and lets you examine your everyday life from the outside. And then she thinks about the people she's met here - on The Planet of the Exes- conjuring their faces in her mind. She remembered the thoughts and stories that spilled out in her conversations with VS. Each person and thought and story forges a teensy new dot in her brain...a dot that hadn't been there before...and these dots join a web of connections in her head ... and the people and places and thoughts and stories swirl together in an overarching conceptual understanding of the universe and her place in it...

***

DAY 2

At dinner, T complained about her husband. He was cheating on her and she knew it! She also knew the Other Wo(e)man. Their marriage had been quite rocky for the past year. And her husband was a total bastard and we all knew that! But now T was seriously contemplating divorce. And she seemed quite calm about it.

"Well, it was his idea, to begin with!" she said coolly and That Woman was shocked. "Oh come on! It's such an obvious cry for attention and flexing the muscles. K would never want a divorce. Where would he go? How would he eat? How would he be able to afford those expensive Rajesh Pratap shirts he loves so much?"

Okay, so she was right about K. K was a documentary filmmaker who cruised through life making issue-based films while T earned the wine and cheese. T was Vice-President of a major TV news channel.

Back home, as she waited for VS to return from his business dinner, K's words kept running in her mind. And she questioned herself with cool logic. Did she want to be the Other Woman, ever? Just the thought made her cringe. VS and her had never really discussed this. They just talked a lot about all sorts of interesting things. Or they made love. She rationalized, that all the time they really got was between 11PM to 9AM after which they'd leave for work. You dont spend the little time you got together discussing things that would make you feel bad.

***

DAY 3

"No, really! What do you think you're doing? And where is all this supposed to lead?" questioned R.

"Well...i dont know. But it feels nice. As of now."

"Gimme a break! You had REASONS to break up with him all those years ago. And he's now married, and has a child too!" R went on.

***

DAY 4

"Have you ever felt love pass you by?" She asked V. They were standing on a street corner near her building.

"Oh, all the time!" he said.

"You know, when you meet someone who's just right for you. And you know you're in love and you'll be happy for the rest of your life... And at that very moment, you come to know something startling. Like, maybe he's gay!" she spoke from experience.

"Or, maybe he's married!" He spoke from experience too.

And at that exact moment, bright, sparkly, colorful firecrackers went off in the street nearby.

She stared at V. Was that a sign? And V looked amused.

***

DAY 5

The firecrackers never left her mind. She woke up that morning thinking about relationships.

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back.

VS brought her back to that place in her past where she still believed. In everything!

"The idea is to not be too intelligent about life, love and other things!" she remembered Old College Friend saying that.

She had agreed then. "It's much easier breezing through life pretending to be dumb and fluttering your lashes. There will always be someone dumb enough to take care of you. But rich. Extremely rich!"

"Intelligence brings appendages like cynicism, suspicions, contradictions and just too many questions you get tired answering. Look at the average girl in a Barista who's desperately clinging to a jerk of a boyfriend? If intelligence crept in, she'd drop him first thing," That Woman stated. And it was true.

Her intelligence had been asserting itself for the last 5 days and she was trying to keep it away.

***

DAY 6

Today was going to be crazy. She had a 12 hour shoot with an American soap star who was visiting Bombay. And the channel that aired his soap wanted her to make a special. She wore her best stilletos to put her in a better mood.

"I'm quitting my job," said Music Exec. Girl surprising them all. They had always envied what she did. "I'm going to South America. Just travelling around."

"God, I wish I could do something like that!" That Woman sighed.

"You can," Music Exec. Girl said passionately."I mean, what's stopping you? I woke up 2 months ago and looked around, and i thought, what the hell is my life about? What am i doing? And i realised I need to live. Outside of all this. I need to get some perspective on life."

"It's all about that, isnt it?" That Woman said thoughtfully. "Perspective."

And just then, she saw VS entering the coffee shop of the hotel she was in. She was startled. It was the same feeling as the fireworks on the street.

"How come you're here?" she asked him.

"Had a conference to attend here, baby," he hugged her briefly. Then watched her walk away shouting instructions to her crew on the walkie-talkie. He looked highly amused.

Perspective... The word got stuck in her head.

And yes, it was beginning to be a long, tiring, crazy day.

An SMS from VS made her smile. He was wondering if she could sneak in a quick sandwich at the coffee shop. He sat there smiling as she walked in juggling her bag, the script folder, 2 tapes, walkie-talkie and her cell phone. She was arguing with the event management company as she sat opposite him. Looking highly stressed but completely in command of the situation. She hung up after 10 minutes. Victorious.

He smiled at her. "This is the first time i'm actually seeing you at work. You're so different!"

"Am I? How?" she asked, sipping on water.

"I dont know," he said. "You look very...cute!"

Her heart broke in two so quietly that only she heard it. But didnt let the hurt show. She faked a shoot emergency and ran off into the nearest washroom. Tears stinging her eyes. She washed her face. Re-applied her kajal and proceeded to resume the shoot after the dinner break.

Cute, she thought with disgust. In other words, nonthreatening. Pleasant, but not good enough to be taken seriously... Someone who was just drifting along. And this from the man who'd told her to have a focus and sufficient ambition in life. Who'd told her that you shouldnt have to sacrifice who you are just because somebody else has a problem with it. The words that had been part of her support system the last 10 years that she'd spent trying to make it in her career. Working long hours, surviving insane amounts of stress! And if she had to choose a word to summarize all that, CUTE definitely wouldnt be it.

And she definitely did have a perspective on this one.

She went home alone that night. Her feet hurt like hell. She must have walked 10 kms up and down the hotel corridors all through the day. And she was famished. The emptiness of her apartment unleashed the intelligence she had so carefully kept under wraps. She knew what the last 10 years had meant to her. She knew exactly how she had evolved in those years. And she realised that the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's heavenly!

Shhe made herself a sandwich. And then suddenly, didn't feel like eating it. That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.

It was another perspective. And what's perspective, but a state of mind. Going to an art museum shifts your perspective. Meeting new people shifts your perspective. Smoking weed shifts your perspective. Moving from Delhi to Bombay shifts your perspective. A successful career shifts your perspective. Being with an ex-boyfriend shifts your perspective.

But can you really move into the future if your past is present?

Would she still be called "Cute" if she didnt? Or what if she did?

Or was it just another shift in perspective?

Will there be firecrackers in the street again?